PROCRASTINATOR!!!! (Updated, Like, a Million Times Probably)


Today, my procrastination on returning emails finally reached critical mass.  I woke up with a feeling of dread and apprehension - like maybe I was going to get stabbed.  I drank a whole bunch of coffee, but that only made me feel paranoid.   I tried not to check my mail because I knew it was going to look like this:


I never intend for things to get this way.   I ignore something for one day, and pretty soon it's eighteen days later and I still haven't done it.  Then my responsibilities become wrapped up in so much guilt and helplessness that I have to ignore them because I'd rather feel good about myself.  

I just keep pretending that I don't have anything to do until the amount of stuff I have to do becomes so massive that it ruptures my pathetic psychological defense system like a water balloon and all my responsibilities explode out at me at eight thousand miles per hour and hit me in the face and then I'm lying on the ground flailing dramatically and that's not making it any better so I drink more coffee, but no, it still doesn't work, and it makes me have to pee and that reminds me that I don't have any toilet paper and somehow that seems like an impossible problem to remedy so I just lie on the floor, helpless and uncomfortable, wondering how this happened to my life.


Anyway, I kind of forgot where I was going with this.  I think mostly I wanted to draw dramatic pictures  of myself being stabbed and beaten down by my responsibilities and I didn't really think of how I was going to make it into a coherent blog post.   

I am sorry for this post.  I'm going to publish it anyway because I'm feeling irrational.

UPDATE:  Now I thought of an ending!


UPDATE:  I was reading over this again and I remembered that I'm unemployed and I don't really have any responsibilities except maybe a few things like writing emails and feeding my pets.  Then I felt bad because I'm sitting here in a life-altering panic over a very basic task that most normal people accomplish while drinking their coffee in the morning - before heading off to their real jobs where they have real responsibilities.  

This is a perfect example of why I would crumple up and die in the workforce.  Anyway, I made an award for everyone who manages to work and email and take care of kids and not kill their plants:  



UPDATE:  Now I made an award for the procrastinators too.  I wasn't trying to be ironic by posting it four hours after everything else, but I guess it kind of worked out that way:

71 comments:

Jon said...

Imma fiiiiiinnnnd yoooooouuuu....

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

I'll leave an actual comment on this tomorrow.

Ellie said...

Ok, you win. Here's my queen of procrastination crown already.

Kalisa said...

I don't really care if you get all your other stuff done. As long as you keep posting blog posts to entertain me.

Swistle said...

Heart! Heart heart heart!

Anonymous said...

Thats exactly how I feel, pretty much all the time.

Jo said...

Bugger I was totally just writing a post on procrastination but you beat me and yours was better. :-(

It's okay I'll mine in the forcefield for later.

You're so funny. I like your flow chart - I want one for my office wall...pllleeeeesaaasee? Don't put it off.

Miss Grace said...

A Squirrel, A Duck and A Horse NEVER email me.

Sarah P said...

I'm watching something about theoretical physics.

Basically, you've probably already answered your e-mails somewhere in the universe.

Crissa said...

OMG MY LIFE.
#CAPSREQUIRED

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That's weird, because when I'm in the mountains, I take a stick and draw a picture of my laptop in the dirt because it makes me feel like I'm inside.

David said...

I am obsessed with your stick figure renditions of yourself. I'm sure that is not normal.

mylittlebecky said...

this is almost *exactly* what i do! except sometimes, when it gets rullah bad i have to think about wining the lottery or something else pleasant so that i can fall asleep at night. doesn't always work.

in related news, you just made me remember i have to pay a ticket that i've needed to pay for like EVER! lalalalalalalala lottery lottery lottery!

Allie said...

hahaha i want someone to email me telling me i won a bonkzillion dollars!

miss. chief said...

Oh. My... YES! THis is me every single day. My bubble explodes more often than yours though, I think because I'm a full time student so stuff keeps having to be done RIGHT EFFING NOW, you know? But yeah. In fact, I have a paper due tomorrow morning that I haven't started. And I have to write it in Spanish. And rather than starting it...you know, I'm commenting on your blog.

Out of Sync said...

Hmm, the fact that I am reading this while at work makes me think I don't deserve this award lol

Stormy Cruz said...

Oh my God, me too!
I feel your pain, chica. I've gotten to the point that even when I have no. good. reason. to put something off, I do it anyway on principle. Then I wait until I have *so* much stuff to do that it's overwhelming and I don't know where to start so I ignore it all and go do something else entirely.
Basically, I put the "pro" in "procrastinate."
Welcome to the club!

Andhari said...

I'm so familiar with procrastination feeling, even hating my peers for already being so stable with their jobs and routines with me just here sending away application letters in panic.

Just saying that makes me wanna buy a bottle of something cheap. Ha.

Saaketh said...

As Calvin says:

Its not denial, you are just selective about the reality you accept ;)

Ed said...

You might want to answer that
"You're on FIRE!!!" one.

Just a guess, but it seems important.

Dyinetch said...

Haha! I was thinking of sending you an e-mail but I guess I'll have to wait for an "off-peak email Allie season," if there's such a season. ;D

Kayla said...

That email picture is incredibly hilarious.

Procrastinate on everything except this blog. Please. You win. You win sooooooo much.

soft nonsense said...

I so desperately wish I could take that last image and make it a blogger badge or an inspirational poster to say to the world, "Hey, fuck you, because I get shit DONE." But alas, I relate all to well to your procrastination skills....as evidenced by the lack of sleep during midterms last week.

Nikoliosis said...

If you replace the word 'coffee' with 'monster' that post just described my whole life and also exactly how I am feeling right now. As I sit here and don't do the two papers that I have yet to start that are due tomorrow (or the one due on Thurs), study for my test that is tomorrow (or the one on Thurs), shave my legs, turn in an application, go to bed at a reasonable hour because I have to get up early for court in the morning. Fun times.

Nikoliosis said...
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Rebekah said...

I read this to my husband, and he said, "Oh my gosh. I know that person," referring to me. I'm unemployed right now, but on the days I go to job interviews, I seriously freak out if he expects me to do anything around the house. I'm so glad you posted it even though you're sorry for your post.

Just.Kate said...

Just because I have a job and kid and school and... well, a house and pets and dishes (but those things you have, too) doesn't mean I don't have a hateful water balloon of undone things, like I took photos of my adorable son but my hardwood floors kind of look like forest litter under a swaying copse of pine but actually I just haven't mopped in roughly 3 years so now I'm too ashamed to post the evidence of my filth.

My point is, the floors are part of the 14% of shit that never gets done.

I hate the water balloon of responsibilities.

Oh, and I only pay my utilities once every 2-3 months.

Thank you for speaking out for all of us.

jordan said...

At least you're not reading someone elses blog when you should be doing stuff.

Christopher said...

I tell people I just prefer to work under pressure. They all know I'm just a horrible procrastinator, it's a disease. I wonder if I can collect disability. Hmmmmm. I'll look into that tomorrow ... oh wait. Forget it.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Must be something in the air tonight. I was going to post on what might happen if I opted out of every responsibility I find tedious (all of them). But now I know. I'll be attacked and wind up a gibbering mess curled up on the floor. Thanks Allie. You've done a good thing. And if it helps, you do not have to draw that picture of Martin Strel swimming the Amazon. Just keep being awesome because your blog is my go to procrastination tool.

Jay Ferris said...

If only you lived in a world where the only thing you had to do was sit around and make awesome drawerings all day.

Actually, that sounds exactly like the world I had always imagined you live in.

dreams/heart = crushed

Malou said...

As always, I love your humor Allie.
This actually made me laugh really, really hard. Not a 'JOIN IF YOU LOL'D AT THIS FAT GIRL' type of Facebook group. But an actual laugh. :)
Love, Malou

Ms. Manda said...

I completely agree with everything. I spent almost 10 hours working on my final that should have taken, maybe 4. I would get a little bit done, watch TV and then work a little more.

And...I am recently unemployed too. LOL.

I love you blog. All the pictures make me giggle. :) Thanks for the laugh.

juskaulani said...

No wonder I never got a picture even though I used the secret password. You must have forgoten in your massive amounts of procrastination.

Harini said...

I so deserve the last award :P.

Out of Sync said...

Ah, while I couldn't accept the first award, I can definitely accept the second!

I'll grab it... I dunno, tomorrow, maybe.

mo.stoneskin said...

Tell you what though, I've never actually scene dinosaurs lulled into complacency, so that is an achievement you should be proud of.

Woolly said...

This made me laugh.... and reminded me that in high school I had an English teacher that gave the class an assignment to write a paper about a trait they had and it was worth 5% of our final mark... I chose procrastination and then I handed in the paper 3 weeks late... she didn't find it funny and called my mom. thank god my mom had a sense of humour!!

Anonymous said...

I want there to be a movie about you that I can watch while I'm procrastinating. And by the way, if it's such a bad thing, why does it have "pro" in the beginning? To me that's like "YEAH! Do it!"

~Amanda

Rebekah said...

i love this post! if the awards are given out on a daily basis, i estimate that i get the "responsibility champ" award about every 5th day. just enough to not fuck up my kids and to not get fired. after all, i get my kids to school (mostly on time) and myself to work (never on time) and i feed the family dinner most nights. any time i make dinner for the family, I WIN!!

Wombat Central said...

Okay, I don't feel bad anymore than one of my email accounts has over 2,000 highly important messages awaiting my attention.

I've always wanted to start a procrastinator's club. Just never got around to doing anything about it.

Moooooog35 said...

I was totally going to comment here but have decided to do it later.

Tony said...

YES! Finally! Someone awards me on responsibility! I am honored!

Alice said...

i find i can't actually accomplish anything UNLESS i've procrastinated until the VERYLAST second. i spent my entire college career doing 2-week assignments in the 3 hours before the class where it was due. technically, it's a really good time management technique, because instead of wasting 2 weeks on it i freed up all that other time to do fun stuff like drink and party.

Elly Lou said...

You've got mountains in your email? Hell. That makes me want to pout in the sun.

Tara Rose Stromberg said...

Tara-dactyl says: When will the vicious cycle end???!!!

The worst is that because I'm so used to freaking the hell out over so much to do, I get ancy when I'm NOT busy, as if there's something wrong with the universe.

That's some deep pyschological shit yo.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Ohhhh can I borrow it and use it and link you up? So cool, the procrastinator one,, cause that is me.

annie_a said...

hey. long time reader, comment virgin.

just wanted to say... I feel your pain.
I'm self-employed, I work from home. so I battle the procrastination monster everyday.

I only get work done when I'm in so much over my head that I think that I will never be able to do it all. then I do it, somehow, and I feel like a superhero.

case in point: wednesday morning, 11:45 AM, I have a shitload of work to do... what am I doing? reading your blog. and commenting.
sigh.

love the blog. keep making me laugh and not work, please.

Esmerelda said...

Insert a bottle of wine somewhere in the left-hand side of the first procrastination diagram.

Why?

Because wine makes everything you have to do very fuzzy at worst and completely disappear at best.

maggly1234 said...

I'm a procrastinator for sure. I home school because I basically flunked out of real school for not turning my assignments in on time. Now that I home school I don't have deadlines but I've been writing an analytical essay for almost two months which I'm pretty sure is a bad sign. Not to mention my guitar teacher is going to murder me and hide my body in a guitar case because I've been "procrastinating" over the same piece of music for almost 3 weeks and I still can't play it. Also? My French book is lost so that's out the window as well.

Sam Liu said...

"Procrastination is the thief of time", so says Mr. Edward Young - but, I confess that I too am somewhat of a I'll-do-it-tomorrow-er. The Blogosphere is to blame! I get home and say, right, better get some work done and then its...Oohh...Allie's updated the blog!and my work ethic fizzles into nothingness. Ah well..., I'd much rather lol and read this anyway :D

Bridget Callahan said...

I wish my emails were all from my pets and inanimate furniture.

Also, you're not really on fire. I checked.

Trista said...

Most days I think I can lay claim to the "responsibility champion" award because I do, indeed, get shit done. But today? Not so much. Case in point? I'm reading your blog at work. But according to your bomb-proof logic, I'm now a bit less likely to become a psycho killer. Win-win.

Christina In Wonderland said...

Those two awards are better than stupid golden statue awards things that they give people in Hollywood.

Chuck said...

Just remember....WWSND!

What Would Spaghatta Nadle Do!

And then everything would be allllllright.

Just 3 days til the next SN...can't wait!

I'm gonna have a surprise for you on Monday...if I don't put it off for ANOTHER week!

Brianne said...
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Lucky Lizard Ranch said...

I wish my plants would email me, they might live a little longer if they did.
Definitely put the I get shit done graphic on a shirt!

dogimo said...

Great post!

I totally deserve both of these awards. I took them both and put them in a folder specifically for the purpose of me posting them later when I get to it with high urgency!

Like yours, my urgency runs in cycles.

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

I put things off as long as possible- like, once I opened a bottle of wine and cut my hand open, but I was too lazy to get up off the couch, so I just pressed my hand against one of the couch cushions until it stopped.

r joy c said...

this is the story of my life.
amazing.

Mainland Streel said...

Ack, it's even worse when you do have job-like things to do, yet still procrastinate. Buh.

These pictures describe my Idontwannadonutheeng cycle sooo well. Glad I'm not alone in my procrastination. :)

Matt said...

You know, if I weren't a totally broke college student, I would buy one shirt for each of the awards at the bottom, depending on how I feel that day.

Maybe if you get those made into shirts, and I stop procrastinating on college work so I can stop procrastinating on getting a job so I won't be broke, you would be closer to your goal of being able to procrastinate for longer because I would buy your shirts, and then we would both be happy. Unless I procrastinated on getting dressed and wearing one of the shirts. Then I would just be how I am now. But you would still be happy.

Yeah... Anyways... Keep blogging; you're well on your way to champion of the internet status. (Which, by the way, apparently the Internet has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, so if you become the champion of the internet, then by extension, you will have won the Nobel Peace Prize.)

Kristin Wenzel said...

Hi, Allie.

I've never left a comment before, but I just wanted to say that I finally have a VISUAL representation of why exactly it is so hard for me to do ANYTHING EVER.

Thank you so much for this post, I feel like I'm not alone. At least I've got other crazies in here with me. Like your commenters. <3

This site makes me feel less bad about NOT being a totally functional normal adult who ISN'T afraid of orcs and dead bodies in the hall outside my front door.

Lanned said...

What about those of us who kill our plants? Don't we get a reward?

Anonymous said...

I do real things at a real job and I still feel this way. I don't know if that makes it better or worse.

The Analyst said...

When it comes to procrastination I'm the master, I actually designed procrastination101 in my college

Liz said...

i stole your sticker because i, too, am a terrible terrible procrastinator and at least now i have something to console myself w/ when i feel myself sinking under the unfinished responsibilities

hm. wait. wouldn't the moments of freakout make me more likely to snap and become a serial killer? :/

mark said...

I totally want a button that says "yes! This is my life exactly!" It's so true! Well, except for that gender and age thing.

CarlyCrosby said...

hahahaha that chart is totally a diagram of my life!!!

amyimogen said...

I've been sitting here laughing in a creepy cackle for the past 2 hours at your blog. Even pulled my mother and father in to mumbled as quickly as possible your stories...

I have an accounting test tomorrow :)

PROCRASTINATORS UNITE! :)

(I need to study. I'll be cool and achieve if I study. I'll play ONE game of peggle. I'll win ONE game of peggle. I should do work. I need tea. Ohhh I should update my blog. Lets look how other people get cool blogs. google top blogs. find your blog. sit for 2 hours laughing. have supper and decide to study. Get back to your blog and feel happy :))

Pumpky said...

I was asking Myself: "Does she anwser comment?" I tought no. ANd then, I ask myself, full of good intention and hope (mostfully hope):" Does she even READ the comment?"... I I resigned after seeing this, admit that surelly not. At least, not before one or two apocalysian rush of coffee. But its okay. I'm way jealous of you, now that you can even live from this blog. ...

Adopt me, please.